Port and First Chemo
Not a long update but I’m WAY behind on updating anyone, family included!
I had my port placement Tuesday, that procedure went well. It was more involved than I anticipated, I’m so glad I waited to get a port until I knew I needed it! The healing process seems to be right on track, no complications, it hasn’t been very painful but is making sleep awkward and interrupted. I expected sleep to be a challenge these first nights, thankfully someone (I don’t even know who!) loaned us their recliner last night for me to use the next couple of nights. It worked wonders last night!
I had chemo yesterday, it was a long day. I arrived at the doctor’s office at 8am and was done at 4:30. They told me the first infusion would be longer than the rest, so hopefully not an all-day process next time. The first thing they put in my port was Benadryl, I think it’s not uncommon to give it with chemo. I’m not a medical professional, but they gave me WAY too much. After about a minute of the Benadryl going in, I felt lightheaded, dizzy and like I couldn’t stand up if I tried. I felt loopy and drugged until about 10:00 last night. I think I called a couple people yesterday morning but can’t remember who and what we talked about. I do remember calling Mallory and realizing during the call I was slurring my words and couldn’t un-slur them. Sorry, Mal:). My pastor offered to FaceTime in the afternoon, thankfully I was a little more coherent by the time he called. It’s probably frowned upon to loopy-FaceTime the pastor. Sorry, Tim:)
As much as I don’t like the medicated feeling (I rarely take cough syrup or decongestants because I’d rather feel sick than that medicated feeling), it was God’s kindness to me for the day. Yesterday started out a very dark day. I felt weepy and hopeless and terribly lonely. There have been a lot of dark days and moments, particularly mornings this December. The anxiety and fear and darkness has settled over me, even though I am continually reminded (by you, my lovely community!) that God loves me and is tenderly caring for us and HE IS NOT SURPRISED by this jarring new reality. I just keep forgetting. And fall back into feeling scared, alone, dark. I felt very vulnerable and sad when I said goodbye to Jason in the waiting room yesterday. While that Benadryl took away my ability to work on my chemo-infusion-to-do list (and it was a good one! I was planning to write this post, read a good book, journal, and make a few meaningful phone calls), it also took away the darkness and sadness. I dozed a few times, ate all my snacks and lunch, guzzled water and the day passed quickly. Also (thank you Carly!) I did some lunges and squats in the afternoon when most of the other patients and nurses weren’t around. Just like after a long car ride, it felt good to use my muscles after so much sitting!
Jason surprised me with some video messages from family and friends, thankfully he had pulled them up on my phone ready to watch since my tech skills were pretty dulled. (I went back and watched them again today, I can say with confidence the following isn’t just the Benadryl talking!!) They were a mix of funny and serious, but they were ALL thoughtful and touching and personal and they made me feel not-so-alone. They made me tear up and burst out laughing (kinda embarrassing with other people sitting in that quiet room) but mostly they made me feel known and cared for and gave me a real sense of community I haven’t felt much in 2020. When I can figure out how to put into words what a gift that was yesterday, I’ll do so to you guys individually!
Jason and I Zoomed some dear friends last night, we went to bed late but felt full and loved on and my cheeks hurt from laughing. We both had a good night of sleep, our first good night in weeks. This morning I made an oatmeal bar breakfast for us (Ok this is embarrassing, but I haven’t been in charge of breakfast in weeks. I just can’t find the mental space to get moving and thinking in the morning so Jason has taken over that job cheerfully and without resentment) and figured out how to spend our time today. And FINALLY feel like I can start thinking about Christmas! That’s tomorrow, right?!???
