Waiting…
I don’t have an update on much but thought it might be helpful/therapeutic to write some of my scattered thoughts down. What we do know, next-step-wise, is I have an appointment tomorrow afternoon to sit down with my oncologist and review the CT scan as well as the thoracentesis fluid results. We don’t know anything definitive, but suspect that she will say it’s time to stop taking Tagrisso and pivot to another therapy. Jason will come to the appointment with me.
There seems to be an ocean of possibilities in front of me, most of them don’t seem very pleasant. I have felt paralyzed most of the time since last Tuesday. I don’t feel angry, just frustrated, sad, shocked, and mostly fearful. I don’t know where to let my mind rest. There are times I have full mental clarity and calmness. Like Monday night at dinner, it was like waking up from a dream. We sat down to a yummy meal (thanks to my friend Annie!), and somehow we all fell into a silly, giggly mood together. It was relaxed, chaos-free (for having so many boys in the house, we have very little of silence at the dinner table), and we were all laughing. My heart felt still and quiet, I stayed present and ate a second helping.
Most of the time that is not the case. I’ve been so anxious and panicked, I can’t sleep well or eat a full meal, sometimes I struggle to swallow food. My muscles feel tight and overworked, probably from the tension I’m holding onto. I don’t want to read or watch tv, there aren’t consistently helpful “distractions” to take my mind off my fears. I’m certain that being a mom and taking care of the boys keeps me young and fighting, I cannot imagine going through this as a single person. But often their needs, remembering to make their lunches, signing their papers, checking their knees to see if they are dirty enough to require a bath, balancing their nutrition, breaking up fights, picking up toys with them…all of these take margin that I don’t feel that I have right now. My mind is too distracted to be any good at juggling. These symptoms/fears/panic come and go; I believe they are related to the stress I feel, not something imminently wrong with my body. But these feelings accompanied the stress and fear I felt this time last year. They are strong triggers for me, and the memories of last year have compounded today’s stress.
Many of you have reached out to say you love me, you’re praying for me, to remind me of what is true. These nuggets get me through my day. Truly. (Questions are still overwhelming because they feel like they require something of me but your one-way messages of encouragement are gold). I know for certain that God is giving us peace and His comfort, I just wish I could feel a little more of it and ALL THE TIME. But because my mind feels so scrambled, a quick text/email/reminder from you is usually the thing that gets me through the next 30 minutes. Please don’t think you’re bothering me! I need to be reminded: (to repeat what some of your messages have been) that God is on His throne, that we “do not [need to] worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself”, that there are other people in the world also dealing with difficult decisions and parenting troubles, that God is strong and powerful to deliver and not a molecule in this universe is outside His control but also that Jesus came to earth “to taste our sadness”, that TODAY IS NOT FOREVER, and that “mild He lays His glory by, born that man no more may die.”
I should probably say the following in every single post: I wouldn’t wish this journey on anyone. It’s horrible and crushing. I feel lonely and at the epicenter of a tragedy that won’t end. But I also wouldn’t trade some of the things I’ve learned along the way. And many of the things I’ve learned are truths other people, many of you, have spoken to me. So thank you for that.
