Processing the Heaviness
Jason here...
I know I need rest, but I am stirring…
I want to be near her, be with her, talk to her. But, I can’t.
So, I thought that as an early, small act of catharsis I’d share some media that reminds me of her, and brings me comfort. And, I hope it will let you connect with her in a small way today, to hear her voice again and to sit with a few songs that resonated with her/us these final days.
The first thing I drop is the rough-cut, unedited interview for a podcast recorded a little over a year ago. Lindsey had just finished her course of whole brain radiation so this was likely October 2021. Our friend, Greg Ward (and founder of Bridge City Coffee as well), was seeking interviews for a podcast in which he interviews people dealing with the hard and difficult parts of life and seeks to discuss it in a real way. (Our culture, because of the comfort we can provide at every turn, is anemic when it comes to dealing with pain, hurt, loss and suffering and we were/are too but learned a lot along the way). So, his pod and lineup of interviews will be with people and how they deal with the ugly and hard, in a real way. And not the produced, “Instagram-worthy” way or concealed approach so often exemplified in our culture today. That being said, the first drop of episodes is still in process after a necessary break for life and work reasons. But, he was gracious enough to share this with me and I listen to it to hear Lindsey talk about her life and recall her wisdom. Through the interview, I felt such gratitude for the friendship and partnership we shared as a couple. So, ramble over…here’s the audio link in all of its raw glory. Thank you, Greg, for sharing this. (There are a few instances of foul/raw language FYI so maybe keep little ears away).
Another item I wanted to drop here is a song I shared with Lindsey early on in this journey. And this song is a Christian song, a song we found helpful at representing our resting place as we sought to make sense of this staggering diagnosis and likely outcome. Please know this is not me pushing a faith position onto anyone but truly is representative of a position we hold and the comfort we have. It’s the comfort Lindsey took to her death and we believe is now realized in Jesus. That being said, this is a song by John Lucas called, “Time.” Lindsey referred to this in her talk posted on the blog a few weeks back. It’s essentially a poem written as a summary of the famous passage in Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8 that refers to there being a season for all things in life. This Old Testament passage was most beautifully entered into the canon of folk Americana by the Byrds in 1965 with their song, “Turn! Turn! Turn!,” a song that is more familiar to most of us. But, this song by John Lucas reminded Lindsey of the comfort she had in Christ, as it so poetically reminded her with the chorus below:
And I don’t know the end, or tomorrow’s story
But I have found the one who gives me rest
And I will make my bed in His promises
For He holds true when nothing’s left...When nothing’s left
And, finally, the song that she listened to on repeat during her final weeks, and the beginning of the Advent season, was the song by Jess Ray that we shared on a post in January of 2021. Her lifelong friend turned caregiver in the final days, Sarah Stewart, sent this to us in December of 2020 when Lindsey’s cancer progressed and she was staring down a winter of toxic chemotherapy. (Link here: A Hard 15 Days). It’s a song about Christmas and loss. It deals beautifully with the reality that, for some, Christmas is a painful reminder of hurt and suffering and it begs the hearer to rest and know that it’s ok to not feel the feels at Christmas but to rather look to the one who came to give rest. As Lindsey suffered and felt loss and great sadness, she found comfort in this song:
No need to smile, no need to sing
Be still and think of this one thing
