Chemo is Working
First, thank you to so many of you who prayed for me today. It was a long day, and I’m happy to say I’m writing this tonight in front of a cozy fire (that Jason is very excited to be building) listening to good music with Jason.
Several friends texted me reminders this morning to believe that God is good. THANK YOU! One friend texted “the counselor i used to see always said ‘feelings aren’t facts.’ and another author i’ve read says ‘feelings are for feeling.’” Her text was a great nugget of truth to hold on to today. I don’t have to run away with my feelings. I can believe what I believe and also have feelings of fear or worry or loneliness. On the way to the scan I listened to Andrew Peterson’s “Always Good”. It has several good lines, one of my favorites is “as we try to believe what is not meant to be understood…you’re always good”. That’s exactly where I was today. Even though I felt lonely sitting in the waiting room by myself and hungry/thirsty/physically empty from fasting for the scan, it didn’t change God’s goodness (that I chose to believe!) today through the whole day.
Jason talked briefly this afternoon with the nurse practitioner at my oncologist’s office (who is on vacation today but promised she would look out for my scan results. She has been amazing to us!). The scan was a good scan, the cancer is stable, even slightly improved in some areas. The cancer is still around, but it has responded to the chemo.
For me, today’s news is a huge relief. I can honestly say that receiving chemo has been the hardest thing I’ve done. We talked with a couple doctors in the beginning and decided to try an aggressive approach; chemo with a higher toxicity to give me the best chance at fighting this disease. (Although after round one, I wanted to give it up. I felt like a wimp saying “Bring it on, I can handle the pain” and 2 weeks later saying, “Oh this is what you mean by pain?!?? Nevermind!!”). It has done weird things to my body, it is mentally taxing, not to mention how much the side effects have called visible/outward attention to what is happening inside me. I was so afraid that today’s news would be that the chemo was futile.
The plan is to meet with my oncologist next week and hear her thoughts on the next step (although the NP today indicated that she would like me to receive one more round of chemo before doing a maintenance therapy of the immunotherapy I’m currently taking and tolerating very well). After that we will fly to NYC and hear from the oncologist there. I’m assuming there might be some decisions to make after next week, thankfully my oncologist is happy to wait to do the last round of chemo until after we’ve been to New York.
My dearest friend from growing up and her husband (Sarah and MItch) came to help us yesterday and today. They changed diapers, played endless rounds of Memory and Candyland,, wrestled with the boys, packed lunches, handled the logistics of to and from schools while I went to several appointments. They have lived through a lifetime of suffering in the past couple of years, she writes beautifully about the pain and her faith on a Facebook/Instagram account called HopeForShug. In the past year Sarah has offered her love, her suffering, her empathy, her tears and her faith to me. It is a beautiful thing that we have been friends all our lives, especially in the past year. Today as I waited to hear about the scan, Sarah and Mitch stayed by my side. When Jason called I put him on speakerphone so they could hear and digest the news with me, a task I usually do alone in the middle of a stay-at-home-mom day (and finally figured out today that I HATE HEARING BAD NEWS ALONE). I’m so so so thankful for their physical and emotional support this week!
